Chapter 9
The Men You Want to Avoid:
Whatever behavior you see in the beginning of the relationship will only continue and grow. This can be a good thing, or a bad thing. Whatever he is presenting to you is his best behavior, his behavior to win you over…this is as good as it gets. Is his “best” behavior winning you over? No? Then you’d better think about the mantra of the Serenity Prayer. Accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, and have the wisdom to know the difference.
Some women are so eager to get the ring on their finger that they will suppress their true selves. They won’t express any expectations of their boyfriends, and they’ll feign hobbies they don’t really enjoy or pretend to be night owls when they’re really morning doves. Be true to yourself and find someone who appreciates you for you.
Some men are expecting that once they’ve won the girl they can return to the “real him.” After all, they will think, she is not going anywhere once they’re married with a couple kids. He might pretend to love the opera, but once he walks down the aisle he will be more interested in WWF. Perhaps he loves to work out with you, but he’s really a couch potato. Maybe he’s got a wicked temper, but he’ll change...until you walk down the aisle. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior…so take note!
Be your true self, and watch what his true self is according to his BEHAVIOR. This is the best way to find your soul mate! This will lead to a mate who will be yours for a lifetime. Because if you ignore how they behave with you and how you behave with them, you may marry the wrong guy FOR YOU. He isn’t wrong for someone else, he just isn’t right for you. That lack of being authentic and ignoring warning signs is the central cause of divorce.
If both parties show their true selves in the dating process and accept each other for whoever they are, then there won’t be disappointment. Have expectations from the beginning of the relationship and monitor whether your “date” is up to your standards. It’s easier to get out on date five than in year five. A woman shouldn’t have to force her boyfriend into good behavior, they should want to please you and if they don’t now, they never will. The goal of dating is to see if you and the man are a good match. Dating is the time when you should be listening very carefully to his words and observing his actions. If the behaviors aren’t what you’d like, then don’t make excuses or badger him into changing, just be aware of who he is and decide if you can live with it.
Couples who are in conflict while they are dating are in for a lot of conflict in the future. Women who think that they can mold a man into the man of their dreams are deluding themselves. He is already formed and if you don’t like him the way he is, then he isn’t a good match for you. Some women think that if they yell and give him a lot of grief they’ll appear strong, but in reality, you will appear like a shrew. If he does change, it will only be for the moment…he is who he is.
The men you want to avoid fall into three categories:
- The Merely Annoying – you might be able to fine-tune these guys!
- The Toxic Guys – run, don’t walk from these men!
- The Merely Annoying
- The Mama’s Boys
Mama knows best. Awww, that is so sweet, right? Wrong! Can I tell you how many marriages end in the therapist’s office because of this issue? If I had a nickel… Imagine this, you are dating a man who tells you about the fabulous way his mom cooks, keeps the home, and tends to the children. You might think it’s fabulous that he appreciates her so much. The problem comes in when he begins to compare the two of you and you aren’t looking so good. Mom’s chicken Marsala is much better, you should get her recipe. Maybe she can teach you! My mama always had dinner on the table when Dad came home. My mom never asked for a dime and could run the household on next to nothing. My mother never used babysitters! They aren’t trying to tell you that you’re inadequate, they just educate you about how to do things better .
Men tend to forget that many of their mothers didn’t work outside the home. Her home was her full time job. So when they had the perfect house and the perfect chef for a mother, they tend to forget that that’s all she did. You’d have cookies in the oven when the kids come home from the school too, if he didn’t need your six-figure salary to maintain the bills. Also, by the time they remember their mother, she had already burned a few casseroles and had failed at a few parenting systems. Hopefully she got the chance to make mistakes and learn from them and you should have the same opportunity. Of course we should learn from the knowledge of our parent’s generation, but it should never come from unsolicited advice. When we need help we will ask for it! The problem is that the patterns that start when you are dating will never end, you must nip it in the bud. In some situations you will never be good enough, compared to mama, and it is best to know that right away. This information will allow you to change it, accept it or get out.
Let’s think about the reverse situation, to put it into perspective. Let’s make sure you aren’t a Daddy’s girl. What if everything your boyfriend did was compared to your father, what if every other word out of your mouth was a version of “Daddy knows best?” What if Daddy took your boyfriend’s favorite chair when he walked in the home and he had the final say about what was best for the family, the finances, and the way you ran the house? Now, let’s imagine that your father followed him to work and let him know when he made a bad decision or did things differently than expected. Let’s imagine that your daddy expected you to be the princess and that your man should be taking care of you, waiting on you hand and foot. Do you think your boyfriend would put up with it? Why should you put up with it?
Let’s assume that all mothers want to provide input and share their wealth of knowledge and it’s just coming from love. So, what is the difference between normal helpfulness and being married to a mama’s boy? The difference comes in HIS reaction to it. Most guys will hear their mother’s advice and ignore it with a grin. If they hear their mother complaining about their girlfriend, they will step in and defend their girl. This is what you want to see in your candidate for husband. If the boyfriend is afraid to stand up to his mother, or believes that she always knows best, then you might have a mama’s boy. The wife can never be his partner if he never cut the apron strings. If the wife is the second most important woman in his life, and in her own household, it leads to broken marriages.
Bob and Beth: Agnes was a lovely lady who never said boo to anyone, according to her son, and when she fell on hard times she moved in with her son and daughter-in-law. Her son was correct: to men she was very respectful, but to women she required respect, but gave none. She was the queen bee and the younger generation of women needed to defer to the matriarch. The trouble began when Bob insisted that they give up their master suite to his mother. He explained that she had given to him all of her life and it was her turn to relax. So, Beth and Bob were in the kid’s bedroom and it became symbolic of Beth’s status in the house. Mama took over the cooking, to contribute, but then became controlling over the kitchen and didn’t want Beth in “her” kitchen. Agnes never acted up around Bob, but was actively rude to Beth when Bob wasn’t around. When Beth would complain about his mother, Bob would bristle at her ingratitude for all the poor old lady had done for them. When parenting decisions were made, Agnes had the final say. After all she had successfully raised her children. Beth began to feel like a stepchild in her own home and threatened to leave if things didn’t change.
That’s when they landed in my office. An incident occurred where the two women argued and Bob wanted Beth to behave and stop making his mother’s life miserable. His siblings were all in agreement that Beth was out of line and she was snubbed at every family gathering. Everyone felt sorry for Agnes and they were upset that Beth was so mean. Bob wanted me to work on Beth’s anger management skills, but it was clear that the work that needed to be completed rested in the marriage. We didn’t blame Agnes, because she was just being herself. Bob and Beth were the ones who needed to change. Bob was not setting limits with his family, and he was acting like the poor victim with the “paranoid” wife. The women would come running to him to play judge and jury. He should have supported his wife from the beginning and set limits with his mother. Through therapy the couple made improvements, but Bob never fully understood his role in the conflict. Had he just set limits initially, this never would have needed the marriage counseling.
Jill and Joe: Joe’s mother, Alice, never thought Jill was good enough for her little prince. She made disparaging comments, didn’t respect boundaries and took over the household the moment she walked in the door. The trouble had been brewing between mother-in-law and Jill for a while, and this translated into trouble in the marriage. It all came to a head when Joe’s mother began to bad mouth Jill to Jill’s children and the kids repeated it. All in good fun, Alice said, laughing at her own joke. To Jill it was the final straw and she ordered Alice out of their home. Joe was informed of his mother’s behavior right away and in no uncertain terms Jill told Joe that his mother was not welcome in their home until Jill received an apology. The key in this situation was that Joe valued his wife and realized his mother’s behavior was out of line. What he did next was the turning point in their marriage.
Joe’s mother called him to tell her tale of woe, how Jill had thrown her out on the street and Joe didn’t let her get too far. He stopped her, he told her that her behavior had to improve or she wouldn’t be welcome in their house. He outlined certain expected behaviors, if she wanted to be welcomed into their home. He let her cry, he consoled her, but he stood firm. He was respectful, but his allegiance was with his wife, not his mother. He was a hero in their home! The children learned an important lesson about respecting their mother, and Joe’s mother learned that she needed to share this respect if she wanted to come to their home. This was ten years ago, and they have a strong marriage and the kids have benefitted from their strength. Also, Alice and Jill get along great now, because there are boundaries and respect in their relationship.
RX: Step One: Check your own baggage at the door and have an open mind about his mother. Is she openly disrespectful or is she kindly trying to help? Are you projecting your own issues with your mother onto your partner’s mom? Don’t use your gut with this one, because it might be responding to old hurts. Look at behaviors, write them down and then imagine a friend told you that this had occurred in her family. Would you be outraged or tell her to shrug it off? If she undermines you, or is overtly or covertly disrespectful towards you, then take it to the next level.
Step two: Ask your boyfriend to support you when she is disrespectful and give him concrete things that he can do. (eg. Say respectfully, “ My wife is an excellent cook, she knows what she’s doing.”) The goal is not to disrespect the mother. The goal is to make the relationship a strong partnership without a wedge.
My mother always said that the worst type you can marry is a mama’s boy. The couple must reign supreme is their own house and the wedge of an intrusive mother can divide a husband and wife. So consider yourselves warned.
- Lazy Boys
This lazy behavior starts early in a relationship and women will frequently say that they don’t want to rock the boat. Perhaps the woman thinks her options are limited and she’ll take what she can get. Perhaps she thinks that all guys are like this. Perhaps she thinks that the beginning of the relationship is not the time to be demanding. At first the women will say it is early, the relationship is new, and he shouldn’t be expected to work hard when you are just dating. No one is perfect, women will say. It’s hard enough to find good men, and you don’t want to nit-pick. Many women will not realize that the patterns that start when you are dating become the pattern of the relationship.
It is so much harder to be married to a man who doesn’t pull his weight, than it is to be alone. If this is his dating behavior, then sister, you are in trouble. When a man and a woman are dating, they are presenting their best self. They are grooming before dates, being romantic and taking an interest in each other. If you have a lazy man on board, do not think it will get better as he is already putting his best foot forward! This is as good as it gets. Once he is married he will only get more lazy and thoughtless. If he doesn’t think enough of you to be generous now, then how do you think it’s going to be later? Later on you will have the stress of a family, work, maintaining the house, and maybe you’ve put on a few pounds? It is hard for the best of people to maintain good habits, much less a selfish person. It starts early in the dating process and so this guy needs to be shut down right away.
If he is thoughtless or lazy at the beginning of the dating process, then ask more of him and see if he comes through. If he does, then great! You might start a new pattern of behavior for him. But if you just hope his love for you will make him a better person… watch out. Remember, without intervention, this is as good as it gets.
I have seen this situation work both ways. This is why the guy is in the annoying category, because with a little help he might be a good one. This guy might be ready for reform, if you know how to manage it, but don’t even think it will get better on its own.
Jules: Jules was a good ol’ boy. He got by on his charm and his good looks. His mother always babied him and his daddy and he were never expected to do “women’s work.” His sisters would be expected to take care of him and his dad. The girls would have to vacate a chair if he wanted it. He thought it was hilarious that he could make them switch chairs again and again. His mother thought it was precious, but his sisters did not. Jackie fell for his charming self and he fell for her, too, we guess.
He didn’t do much to show her his affection, but he’d say “You know I love ya.” And he was always around. He never took her out on proper dates. They’d just meet up at the bar and they’d go home together. They started up quickly and moved in together right away. “I’m the king of this house” he would say from his throne. He would rattle his beer can when he wanted more beer and she thought it was cute. He never wanted to get married, because that was just a show for the family and a waste of money, he would say. Eventually Jackie got pregnant and they had a wedding at the house with a few kegs.
Jules’ behavior began to grate on Jackie’s nerves and it stopped being cute when the kids arrived. They came to my office for therapy after five years of marriage, but his heart wasn’t in it. “I am who I am,” he would say, and he was right. His family had created this man and his wife was expected to continue treating him like the king. He didn’t want to change, why would he? He had it made and he knew Jackie would never do anything about it.
He would be “good” for a while, to get Jackie off of his back, but when he was out of the doghouse he would resume his normal behavior. Jackie had a difficult choice: she could either accept him or take the kids and leave him, but neither was a good option. She knew that she would get less support, financially and physically, if he wasn’t around. At least she could run out to the store now and he would be at home with the kids. She was between a rock and a hard place. The classic question is “If you knew then what you know now, would you have married this man?” Of course not, but now she was stuck and he knew it.
Jim: Jim was a lazy boy who has made good. Jim was raised to expect everyone to take care of him and he could just sleep in, not work and slide by on his good looks. He went to college, but he would sweet talk the professors into giving him breaks and they would somehow agree while laughing. When he was growing up, his family had a cleaning lady and he never had any chores. He had never made a bed or cleaned his room in his lifetime! His parents never had much when they were growing up and he was an only child. They wanted him to have a worry free childhood and he did. The only problem was that he was never taught basic self-care. When he moved out to go away to college he moved into a fraternity house. They basically lived in filth and had their “little sisters” do some cleaning, as well as typing the boy’s term papers.
He had it made, until Elizabeth came around. She was beautiful, smart, and respected herself… and he fell for her. He thought that she would be an easy conquest, but she was not. He had to win her over, which primed his interest. His would invite her to drop by the frat house parties on Saturday night, but she never did. When he did see her out and about she would be nice, witty, and she showed an interest in him, but she wouldn’t hook up. She needed to be in a relationship to “go there.” He learned that he had to ask her out on dates, take her to restaurants, shows, and daytime activities so they could get to know each other. She refused to enter his room until it was clean. She wouldn’t be intimate with him until they were monogamous. She didn’t do his laundry, type his papers, or clean his fraternity. She taught him how to do these things and if he wanted to see her, he made sure he had a plan and he showed up on time. She wasn’t making idle threats or harping about his behavior in a shrewish manner, she just wouldn’t be available to him. It drove him crazy, so he worked and he changed. They are now happily married and he still helps with the chores, the diaper changes, and remains a perfect gentleman.
We teach people how to treat us and if you accept negative behavior then you are telling that person that their behavior is okay with you. Expect more and be willing to walk away if you don’t get it. Believe me, it is worth it.
There are two kinds of nerds: the lovely kind, like my husband, who were bookish in school, were taught excellent manners, and are kind, as well as smart. They aren’t cocky, they have been hurt and so they have empathy for others. He might have a larger worldview than the petty importance of social affiliation, but he respects differences. He might be so excited to meet someone like you! These are the good ones and we are lucky to find these sweethearts who will truly cherish us all the days of our lives, as we also cherish them. Sometimes you might need to do a wardrobe change, but they make great husbands.
Then there are the guys who were rejected by the beautiful people and they’re angry and out for revenge. This guy will now be good-looking, or at least well put together, and wealthy. They will have channeled their smarts into successful businesses and they want to make the girls who dissed them pay.
Were you the prom queen or do you look like you could have been? Were you the mean girl who made guys like him miserable in high school? You may think that this former geek is now worthy of you! How lucky for him! You may think you’re his dream come true, and you may be right. He might have dreamed of exacting his revenge on girls like you all of these years. Girls who would have rejected him in high school are now seeking him out because he has the money and good looks. He might think that you wouldn’t appreciate the real him, because girls like you didn’t appreciate him before he had the cool “stuff.” He might want to show you how fabulous he is and then dump you. It might be his goal to break every prom queen’s heart. It might be he wants to sleep with as many girls as possible because he felt so rejected.
He will probably outgrow this mindset, but it might take a while. If you catch him before 40, be careful. If he is still kind of geeky, then that’s great! It’s the slick guys you have to worry about.
I was in DC in the boom years when there were so many .com millionaires-- they were a dime a dozen. One in particular stood out. He was in a lounge, spectacled, short, nebbish-y, but he looked smart, and so I started chatting with him. He would not have come to this watering hole in the past, because it was a hot spot for hill staffers and fast talking lobbyists. But now he had a couple of nickels to rub together and he thought he was hot stuff. He started out harsh: “I’m a .com millionaire.” He boasted. I didn’t like boasting, so I laughed and said “Oh, one of those, huh?” He made the comment that women like me never would have talked to him before, but now they’re swarming because he was so successful. Well, he was barking up the wrong tree with me as I’ve always been a fan of the smart and less obvious. He continued to behave boorishly and I walked away. Watch out for these types, my friends! Some women would be attracted to his money, but then he would either be stuck with a gold digger and he’d be paying for companionship or he would lead the girl on a dump her. Neither is a scenario I want any of my readers to fall into.
Some men date with a chip on their shoulders and you should steer clear of them. It might be because they were geeks, or it might be because they used to be dirt poor, or it might be because they were obese and now they’re thin. Whatever the reason, some of these guys like to date with a literal vengeance. They make themselves feel like big shots by putting others down. If you meet someone who has had a hard life, but he’s now wealthy or good-looking, watch for the signals that he might be one of these guys. Does he say, “You would never have looked at me in high school” a bit too much? Does he comment about “people like you” or say you’ve lived a sheltered life. Does he make cracks about your family because they have money? Does he make critical comments to tear you down and build you up again? He could be toying with you and be getting a kick out of it.
Terry and Sheryl: Sheryl was your classic blonde bombshell, an all-American type who was a cheerleader and dated the football captain. When she met Terry she assumed that he was the same type. She assumed he was voted most popular, had more dates than he could manage and tons of popular friends. This was not Terry’s history though. He had been very sick and didn’t have enough of the growth hormones to get beyond 5’ and 120 lbs. He had been brutalized by the boys in his high school and tortured by the pretty girls. Before his puberty ended he was given a growth hormone and he grew into a stud and he knew it: tall, with gorgeous features, and built like a Mack truck. People would stare at him when he walked in the room. She thought this was a happy ending to his story, which made him empathetic to the sickly people in the world. It did not. Instead, he was someone who loved to win people over and then crush them. Too much damage had been done in those difficult years for him to be a healthy human. But that was okay for him as he enjoyed his new power.
She married him and then he began to change, or so she said. I’ll bet if she’d looked closely early on in the relationship, she would have seen the signs, but she was in love. It would always start out subtly, him mocking her for gaining weight, telling her to clean and then criticizing her cleaning skills. He would make her do it again and again until she got it right. Eventually he started hitting her. She left him after a few years, but she would have fear in her eyes when she discussed him. If she knew friends were going to one of his watering holes, she would describe him in detail and tell them to watch out. He was out for revenge…
- The Man-Child
As I describe this I’m picturing my one-year-old son, who is like a bulldozer right now. He gets cranky when he’s tired or hungry, gets into all of the cupboards and leaves a trail of disarray wherever he goes, and loves to break expensive gadgets, but he is so well loved by everyone who sees him. Around the home, however, you might need a glass of wine at the end of the day.
The man-child is like this. He creates chaos and general mayhem with a charming smile that’s hard to refuse. The man-child can also be petulant if they don’t get their way, blow up and have temper tantrums, but not in an abusive manner. They tend to pout or give the silent treatment if you don’t put up with their nonsense. These are the men whose wives and girlfriends say “It’s like having a second child around the house!”
Marty and Mary: Marty was an overgrown party boy who loved to play volleyball, play his guitar, and go boating. Work was just something he did to cover his expenses and he had married a librarian who worked at the public library and had a master’s degree in library science. She liked to go for picnics, dressed in Laura Ashley, and enjoyed quiet nights cooking dinner for her man. She was a bit mystified when they came into my office for marriage counseling, because marriage was so different than she had expected it to be. She thought that they would work hard, plan for the future, and start a family. He thought that kids would be a “buzz breaker.” He was having so much fun and she was keeping the home fires burning, cleaning, cooking, and being a cheerleader for his volleyball tournaments.
I almost laughed when they described their biggest source of conflict: the half night. What’s a half night, you ask? I surely didn’t know. It turns out that she had put her foot down because he wanted to go out most nights and she limited it to twice a week. He said that he also had half nights, but those didn’t count because he was home so early. A half night was when he went out at 10:00 pm and got home by 2:00 am. He’d have a nice dinner with her, settle her into bed, and then go out, but only for a little while. What else would he be doing while she slept? So, I inquired, what’s a full night? A full night started earlier than 10:00 and went until dawn. He looked at me like I was an idiot, duh…the NIGHT! We worked on some fine-tuning, and he was a nice guy, but they just weren’t suited for each other. In the end divorce occurred before the kids. Could you laugh off behavior like this? No? Then you don’t want a man-child. Move on!
RX: Oh, well, these guys are who they are. Don’t over function for them. Let their mistakes catch up to them. Don’t cover for them with their boss, friends, or the police. When the police come to your door, don’t be evasive because a guy like this hasn’t done anything beyond a little mischief, just say “Oh, yeah, sounds like him…he’s over there.” He may never learn, but there’s no way to tell except by letting life teach him lessons and seeing what he does with those lessons. Sit back and observe. If he grows up, great! If he doesn’t, but you can live with it, great! (But don’t complain about it.) If he doesn’t change and you are building up resentment towards him, then get out before the kids come.
- Cling-on
The crying man: Bob met Delores, and they started out so reasonably. He was from a nice family, grew up with a good education, and had a good job. He was cute, drove a Mercedes, and wanted a relationship, badly. He sounds like a great guy, and he would have been if he didn’t get so needy. When Delores first went out with him he talked about how everyone in his family was married and how he felt like the odd man out. He talked about how much he liked Delores, a bit too much. He’d just met her and he would focus most of his discussions on how much he liked her and how beautiful she was and repeatedly ask “Are you having fun?” On their second date she declined to have coffee with him after the dinner and a movie. When he dropped her off he started crying. He said that he liked her so much and she obviously didn’t feel the same way. Delores reassured him that she did like him, and at that point she did! But then the third date came and he wouldn’t stop stroking her arms, and her ego, all night long. She liked the attention at first, but he didn’t know when to let it go and just talk like a normal person. He’d want to lay on her at public beaches and make out at restaurants.
He accused her of not being romantic because she wasn’t into PDA. He didn’t cry that night, but he was left wanting more. Delores enjoyed him when he was discussing the issues of the day, books, politics, or current events, but when he would resume the old dialogue of “I like you so much” it would bug her. He began to want to see her every night and would CRY if she had a business function! We began to know him as the “crying man” because in their ten dates he had cried on over half. He wanted too much, too soon, and Delores broke up with him.
After his tears he said that he had a free trip with his family to Telluride, Colorado and he knew that she loved to ski. They could go as friends, he told her, and against her better judgment she went. When they arrived at the condo, the strangest thing happened. His family was there! “I hope this isn’t weird, but the condo is free because we have the time-share.” Of course it was weird! They were mistaken for a couple and everyone wanted to know all about her and they were so pleased to know her. They were a fabulous family but it’s just that their son/brother was unfortunately weird. She broke up with him, he cried and clung on, and they never saw each other again.
RX: A Cling-on is basically a person who doesn’t feel whole within themselves. They are looking for someone with the attributes they think they lack, to create a sense of wholeness. Instead of filling themselves up with themselves, they use other people to fill them up. Often, no matter how much you give, you will never give enough. They are like a sieve and cannot stay filled up –23 hours a day isn’t enough, they need 24. You may try to shock their senses by discussing their behavior and how it affects you. Outline the kind of relationship you are comfortable with and set some boundaries. Ideally it would look like the following: I can see you twice a week in the beginning, I don’t like to make out in public, and I want you to maintain your friendships and interests. If this wakes them up to their behavior, then great! If it leads to tears, anger, and frustration then you might need to walk away.
- THE BAD MATCH
Opposites attract, but sameness keeps people together, or so my wise mother says. Sometimes you might find a guy who is great but he’s just not a great match for you. Other times these complementary relationships help both sides grow. You like mornings and he is a night owl, you like to stay at home and read books and he is a party animal. You are a French chef and he’s macrobiotic. Can these differences be overcome? Sure! This is a category that can be modified and can eventually be successful. But you have to work at it with your conflict resolution and communication skills.
However there are certain times when the differences are more difficult for the couple to overcome. Friends might say that love will conquer all, but the reality is that differences can get annoying when you live with a person. You can initially overlook these differences, but they can become divisive. Let’s say a couple is dating and she is into new age spiritualism and her boyfriend is a devout Catholic. She might think it’s sweet that he’s so “old fashioned.” He might think that her beliefs are cute. However, once they are married and they’re discussing the religious training for their children, this difference might not seem so unimportant. That is just one example of a deal breaking bad match for a couple. Here are some more that I have seen in my practice. Each of these were conflicts that created a lot of stress for numerous couples.
Slob vs. Neat nick- I don’t need to describe this one. Everything has its place and everything belongs in its place. You know the guy that has the tools hanging on the pegboard and there is an outline for each tool? You know the gal who has everything in her home carefully chosen with her interior designer? Now picture a person who can’t put garbage in the garbage can or clothes in the hamper. A diaper might lie on the ground for a week. A sock here or there isn’t what we are talking about. We are talking about the absolute home wrecker. Imagine a pack rat with a minimalist.
Rx: Be very careful to negotiate early on what you can live with and what you can’t. Most people can fine-tune their behavior but larger changes are unrealistic. If you know you can live with a certain amount of clutter, then outline what you can live with and see what he or she does. If you are largely ignored, then that is telling you something. If you and your mate can compromise then you might be in a win-win situation.
Saver vs. Spender- This is a biggy. It can either be a minor annoyance or it can be a toxic deal breaker. For this discussion we will address the minor annoyance. Later we will discuss the toxic. Let’s imagine you like to save, and your boyfriend likes to live paycheck to paycheck. He might not react to an expensive weekend away, deciding you both deserve a little romance and you can afford it without breaking the bank. You, on the other hand, might be saving for a long-term goal that’s important to you. This is negotiable if both of you listen to each other and attempt to compromise. If you know it drives him nuts when you buy a new outfit for each outing, then maybe slow it down. It might be sexier to him if he sees you in last year’s dress vs. the newest couture. So listen to each other and try to negotiate your spending.
Independent vs. Dependent—if you tend to be a loner and you are with a cling-on it it’s going to be difficult for you both. They will always want more of you and you will always want your space. There’s a push and pull in intimacy. One pursues while the other retreats and then it ideally reverses. Ideally, there should be a flow of chasing and retreating to keep a relationship interesting. If you find yourself always chasing, then you might want to retreat and see what happens. Often people will stop running, realize that no one is chasing them, and then begin to be the chaser. If the dynamic goes on too long, without a shift, then it can kill the relationship and no amount of retreat will revive the relationship.
Knox and I both had lived alone all of our adult lives and we were a little nervous about moving in together once we were engaged. I liked to have my alone time and so did he. I’d had a cling-on on roommate who drove me nuts. If I was quietly reading a book, she considered it an invitation to sit down for a chat. I worried that Knox would be hovering and so we talked about it. I told him how much I enjoyed having time together and then time apart, and I wondered how it would work in our home. He was relieved to discuss this, because he had always liked to have “Knox time” (like “Independent Jerry” from Seinfeld). He would surf the net, read a book or play a video game…whatever it was he liked to do. So, we agreed that neither would be insulted if the other indicated verbally or nonverbally the desire for alone time. Sometimes one of us realizes that there has been too much solo time and reaches out, and it’s rarely rebuffed. Usually we both need thirty minutes a day to chill. Even with the kids, we will arrange our time for each to have solo time. It’s worked out great!
Social vs. Loner—in the extreme this is a difficult dynamic. But within normal levels of social interaction sometimes one will need a little more social contact than the other. I have talked to many people who have different levels of need and negotiate it. It usually comes down to a girl’s night or guy’s night out for the one who wants to socialize more. Knox likes to go out once a week, although he would probably be happy to go out once every other week. Sometimes he needs a push and then enjoys himself. Sometimes I need a push to stay home and relax on the weekend and then I enjoy that too. It can work out fine if there are different needs and the trust is earned.
Problems occur when one person believes that there’s a right way and a wrong way, and their way is right. If both partners happen to share this belief about being right, then it is fine, although a bit rigid. However, if one doesn’t subscribe to the belief of the other, it can lead to strife.
Margaret and Don: Margaret had always had girl’s nights and Don was a homebody. He didn’t mind, when they were dating, that she went out and had fun -- he thought it was cute. But once they were married he told her it was inappropriate for a married woman to go to a restaurant without her husband. It was his use of moral absolutes that made the difference of opinion toxic for the relationship.
It is one thing to say “I miss you when you go out without me.” Or “I’d like you to limit your outings to once a week.” It is different to caste moral aspersions on the person, just because they have a different way of doing things. Now, I’m assuming that the behavior is appropriate. No half nights, sexual contact, or taking one’s ring off when you enter the bar. Those are clearly deal breakers. But if it’s just cabernet and catching up with one’s girlfriends, then what’s the problem? Because Margaret had to fight for each outing and wasn’t “allowed” (a dirty word in any marriage) to go out more than once every six months or so, once she’d go out, she would stay out because she never knew when it would happen again.
I encouraged Don to explore where he had developed his point of view about how a wife should act. We explored how trustworthy he thought Margaret was and it was a useful discussion for both spouses. He acknowledged that he trusted Margaret emphatically and he needed to update his point of view. I then encouraged Margaret to be transparent in her behavior. Be where she said she was going to be, stay there or update with new information, come home at the time she had agreed upon, and be respectful. Dr. Phil said that one way to determine whether a behavior is respectful was to imagine that your spouse was watching your behavior and ask yourself, “Would I be doing this if he was here?” If she agreed to these basics, then she’d have less conflict with her husband when she wanted to go out the next time. It worked like a charm!
I ascribe to the GNO theory of relationships, so I admit I am biased. But I have never cheated on a boyfriend and I never will be a cheater. I know the same is true for Knox. So, I have the certainty that an outing will only improve the marital satisfaction. If one spouse is more social, then let that spouse be out and about a bit more. The other spouse can push him or herself to be a willing participant in a weekly outing. If both parties can communicate and cooperate then it can be a mutually agreeable solution! If there is disrespect on either side or a lack of willingness to work together, then there is little option but to leave. Better to leave now than leave after being married!
The Big Picture
Everything is a matter of degrees, and where you are on the spectrum will indicate how successful you can be in relationships. They say that craziness is any behavior that is so extreme that it is maladaptive and prevents people from coping in their world. If you have moderate differences, but you are both within the norm, you can probably work it out. You can work on meeting in the middle. If, on the other hand, you are both on polar opposite sides, you are going to have a hard row to hoe.
Be careful and don’t say love will conquer all, it doesn’t. The love people are referring to is really infatuation, which is time limited. When you negotiate with a partner, it will tell you a lot about this person and yourself. Someone who is rigid in their beliefs will be difficult to live with. If you are the rigid one, who won’t change, then you might have difficulty finding a mate.
We all must not be so set in our ways that we can’t find a partner in life to share the world with. Are socks on the floor so hard to pick up that you’d prefer to remain alone? People who are single in their thirties have another roadblock to love. They are often set in their ways. They cannot imagine blending their lives with anyone else’s. Either they rigidly believe that their way is the only right way, or they might believe that relationships are too messy for their lifestyle. You have to be careful about spending too much time living alone since you don’t want to become a curmudgeon! “I like to keep food alphabetized” or “I think that cats are superior to dogs” are fine beliefs, when you are alone. If you fall in love with a guy who just shoves the food on the shelves, and you’re set in your ways, you might think that’s a deal breaker. If it is, then plan on spending a lot of time alone. If you find a good decent person, with which you have chemistry, then don’t mess it up with details.
- Toxic -- Run, don’t walk, away from these men
- Financial Disasters
Example: Bob liked to drink and would frequently drink too much and go shopping. This is much worse than drinking and dialing. He came home with a Cartier watch one day and a Rolex the next. He focused on watches. He could not afford these watches and they got deeper and deeper in debt. Sue was so careful with her money and she was appalled by this debt they were accruing. She tried counseling and financial gurus, but he just didn’t change. I won’t say he couldn’t change, but he didn’t. She left and she was responsible for half of the debt that he accrued during their marriage.
DO you want your credit ruined? Do you know what this does to a marriage? Do you know what this does to a child?
RX: Get out! This level of compulsive behavior will get worse once they have married you. They might scale it back when you are dating, but they might down spiral with marriage and you don’t want your future ruined. I can’t tell you how many people have divorced over this issue. If you are the shopper and you think it’s cute to buy your Manolo’s on credit, you might want to rethink your behavior. It isn’t cute, and men will walk away no matter how good you look. Suzy Orman encourages people to do a FICO check on each other before marriage so they know what they’re walking into. You can easily look in the court records to find out a lot of financial information. Do they really own that house? DO they have legal problems…check them out sooner vs. later.
- Rageaholic
This behavior can be the beginnings of domestic violence, but it is certainly emotional abuse and therefore very damaging. If he does show remorse, then watch out because he might be settled into the cycle of violence. (more info: www.DV.com) The cycle is that there’s a build-up of tension, then a blow up where he hurts you, and then remorse with flowers, promises and romantic gestures. Then comes the honeymoon period where it is so good, you don’t ever want to leave. In fact if the relationship were always like the honeymoon phase you would have the perfect man. But then the tension starts to build and here you go again. I asked a woman, who was in this situation, why she stayed. It’s so good, when it’s good, that you think he’s changed and then it turns out he hasn’t. Even when you know he’s never going to change, you still prefer the relationship because it is so good 80% of the time. One reason the spark is so hot is because of your broken picker. One person said “I didn’t grow up with normal, so when he says this is normal, I believe him!”
Bonnie and Bruce: They entered my office because he had yelled at her over an appliance and the fight got so ugly that her family had to stop it. The situation: she asked him not to have the baby near the microwave, because it might leak radiation. Though crazy, it was her prerogative to make the request. He began with screaming about what an idiot she was and went on to say she was controlling, a bad mom, and eventually brought out old mistakes she had made. She was crying and apologizing and her brother eventually spoke up to defend her and it almost led to a fistfight. They were at a family reunion and people left after this argument because it was so over the top. Bruce was unremorseful. “We had a fight, I was right, so what’s the big deal?” He was willing to discuss better communication techniques, but overall he didn’t think he needed to change, and so he didn’t change. “People don’t really talk like that, do they? Be honest.” Well, actually, they do talk like that in normal families…they just didn’t talk like that in his family. It goes back to your family growing up – you think they’re normal, even if you grew up with Charles Manson. “Come on, everyone has cults, it’s just a matter of degree…”
RX: Deal breaker – you don’t deserve abuse, get out early and figure out why you were attracted to them in the first place.
- Controlling
It doesn’t start out this way, of course not. If it did, it would end after the first date. It begins benignly enough “Could you wear your hair down tonight?” or “Please don’t dress so sexy. I mean who are you trying to impress? I already know I’ve got the hottest girl in town.” You might see comments about your friends or family. Maybe making fun of them or criticizing their behavior towards you. “I can’t believe they didn’t say hello to you when they walked in the door. They really don’t show you any respect.” Or “They act all sweet, but it’s so fake.” Eventually they will screen phone calls, prevent visits with family, and when they finally have you isolated from your support group, they can really control you.
Charlie and Beth: When they started dating he was so sweet and considerate, but she could tell he felt uncomfortable around her friends. Charlene was seeing me for ongoing relationship therapy because of her low self-esteem and her poor history with men starting with her father. Charlie began to criticize her friends. They were phonies, they were shallow, and they stayed single because they were strange. Then he began to work on her self-esteem and criticize her behavior and appearance. This led to him making rules for her, calling her hourly to check on her. If she didn’t call back immediately she would “be in trouble.” Because she was already in therapy she had begun to see the old patterns starting again and got out early.
Rx: Like with many things, watch and observe. It starts out small, and because of that you cannot determine which little behaviors are indicative of larger control moves. A good way to test the waters is to thank them for their input, but then don’t follow it. See what he does and you will know. If he tries to grill you about your poor decision making or berate you for not following a simple request, then watch out…
- Paranoid AKA “Jealous
Projection is the name of the paranoid guy’s game. If he is paranoid you will cheat, he is most likely a cheater. If he is paranoid you are bad with money, check out his money management. If he doesn’t trust your friends, then see what kind of friend he is. People tend to believe that everyone shares their way of viewing and behaving in the world. If you are sweet and kind, then you assume others are as kind hearted as you…perhaps making you easy prey. If you are mean and disloyal, you assume everyone else is as backstabbing as yourself.
RX: Do the same as with the controller. If he seems jealous, be transparent in your behavior, don’t be coy. “I’m going to dinner with Mary and Jill.” If he accepts this at face value – then great! If he grills you, follows you, and tries to squelch the friendships, then be warned.
- Wounded birds
The reason I am a bit harsh with the wounded birds is that some people, male and female, work their sad story in order to avoid having to change or behave. The brain can malfunction just like the heart or the kidney. But, if you don’t follow doctor’s orders then you can’t expect a better result. If you have a family member who has a heart condition, and they refuse to exercise, they eat unhealthy food, and smoke cigarettes, then it’s hard to have sympathy for them. The same goes with the wounded bird. Just because he was abused as a child does not give him the right to abuse others. Just because he is depressed, that does not give him the right to expect others to take care of him. Just because he is a sex addict, it does not give him permission to cheat.
RX: Let the medical professional be his healer, not you. Encourage him to get and stay in treatment and then expect him to behave in a healthy manner. Coddling doesn’t encourage change. Losing what it is you desire is the greatest motivator for change. If he knows that you will walk if he is verbally abusive, cruel or lazy, then he might watch his behavior and be his best self! It’s his best chance for recovery and your best chance at a good relationship.
RX: If he isn’t hot for your body, then beware. Guys like to have sex, no matter what.
Overview: There are toxic people, people who might not be the best fit for you and people who are in need of some fine-tuning. Don’t trust your gut with some of these guys, trust their behavior. Don’t look at what they say, look at what they do. If their behavior is impeccable, but they have a few quirks, great! Everyone has quirks, including you! If they have major character flaws, then consider walking away because personalities don’t change, they are part of who the person is. Don’t expect a narcissist to become empathetic. They were broken too early for a truly empathic response. I feel bad for them, it’s sad and they need treatment, but I think you can find someone else to be your life partner.
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